Time of writing: 20:09H
Place of writing: Home, in my room
Topic: Situation update
If you are reading this, likely you are hitting another bump during our journey in life. I hope at least by then, my existing problems has already faded, resolve or that we have moved on from it. Unfortunately, we don't come here when we are happy in life, only when we are broken and aimless.
I figured it's time to write down my feelings somewhere, to document it as a form of evidence that I either grew out of my issue or solved it.
I am currently serving my NS, 340 days left. I am handling my work well, sure I would be lying if I said I was happy here, but there are things I look forward to on the daily basis that keeps me moving.
Physically, my back is still having issues, I've started to occasionally have backache doing anything from sitting to moving objects. The earliest I've came to suffer from this problem was during my BMT time. The jump that I took during SOC haunts me everyday. It doesn't kill, but I worry that it might create long term or aggravate over time.
That is not the main concern that is affecting me at the moment. I am uncertain of life.
My mother's knee has gotten from bad to worse. She can't even walk properly. I can't bear to see her go to work in such a condition, but what choice do I have? Each time I see her, either trying to massage her way through the pain or sleeping with her hands on her knee, it kills me.
I was emotionally unstable, a state that unfortunately lead to my breakdown on the Saturday prior.
I wish my parents had plans, but they didn't. I kept telling everyone, including myself, I am willing to bear the responsibility of the house, to be come the financial pillar to uphold this family. I couldn't, I can't afford to pick up risks of working part-time (Moonlighting is illegal by law).
We have little to no saving. My parents are in a terrible state, my sister still in school. I don't know which path would be wiser to pick.
It was when I voiced out my concern, that I start to see why I am so afraid. I wasn't concern about picking up my parent's mantle to feed the family, I wasn't worried about if my parent's conditions would worsen in the future. All that I was afraid, was the fact that my life would never be free again. I would be physically be bounded by my family, no longer a safe haven, but a liability.
I knew, I had no choice. I can never go and enjoy the freedom others do. I will never be able to fail again. Each decision I make would affect not only me but also my family's immediate future.
I am forever burdened by my family.
Unfortunate but true, I am Selfish.
Are you still selfish?
Regards,
Gwee Melvin, 21 years old
Single
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