Log 4

10 Jan 19, I snapped. For the first time in my life, i attempted to strangle a man by the neck. Every second leading up to it was in slow motion, I saw my hands move towards him without processing it.

As much as my lack of anger management goes, this is a new low.

I've let my day life, affect me at home.

I swallowed each and every confidence destroying remark and sat between two conflicting commands, struggling to find balance as I stand on a piece of thread.

I became so lost within the facade I forced myself into that I start to lose track of time, life and health.

My lunch went from 30 mins to 15min till eventually i ate in office and worked as I ate.

I've struggled so hard to make everything work, in exchange of a slight possibility of success,  I exhausted myself.

Just when I hope people appreciate my work, I was stabbed in the back.

For his pride and ego, I was expended. Shove into the flame of an open furnace I never knew and saw.

It destroyed me internally.

I went the extra mile to create this product, all she had to do was present it and get the needed additional information to close the job. But i guess if it doesn't hurt her, it isnt her responsibility.

An apology in exchange for my mental turmoil that eventually brought me to the state I'm in today.

I couldn't find a justification for the days I've stayed back for, the hours i was lectured for, the times I skipped breakfast and lunch, the times I balanced everything as I struggle with my mental health.

I've hurt my parents emotionally and physically.

What am I even doing all this for?

I am struggling financially, I have a insane and sick father, and a crippled mother who works 99% of her time awake.

Why am I struggling to keep the bowls of officers who claims such a fortune, officers who are relentless when it comes to protecting themselves.

I have my aspirations too.

Why must my aspiration be expended because of others..

I want my life.

I've always thought that people who struggle mentally are just narrow minded growing up.

"why cant they find a reason to live?" I would say to myself each time I hear about someone commiting suicide.

I didn't gave them the respect nor did I understood their thought until i stepped into their shoes.

I love my life, i love my family.

Today, I wanted to end my life and I wanted to end my family.

I was at my lowest. The possibilities of me ending my life went through my head. I've never step into this nightmare.

I broke down. I was englufed with emotions, pity, sadness, anger, hopelessness.. fear..

I wasn't ready, never was. My mother didn't suffer so much for me to choose the easy way out.

My father before his fall, did all he could to make ends meet.

I was selfish. I couldn't do it.

I was so mixed up, I don't want to go down living a life where i struggle to nothing but make ends meet. I want to succeed I want to live my life to the fullest.

I can't even let my mom go to surgery, who am I bluffing to say that I would prosper.

I drew the short straw in life.

I am so broken.