I am not special, I am unique

Dear blog,

Its been a while since I posted anything here. Been in the army for 7 weeks, dreadfully long 7 weeks. I was thinking a lot to myself, it seems to be becoming unhealthy. I worry way too much and it starting to drag me down emotionally.

The beginning of bmt was full of PT, I was so worried I would die in one of those session until I became eventually numb to the work. Now heading into the actual BMT phase, I begun to have my new wave of anxiety. I am worried about the HG event, I worry I would mess up. I tried to get rid of the fear by escalating my enthusiasm towards firearm but it just doesnt seem to go away. I am very worried that I couldnt handle the exhausting regiment atop of the PT that has been intensified. I am too weak in the mind.. I want my carefree life so bad, I give up on believing myself. I hate how it feels to lack control. I hate the feeling of being weak but when I try, I give up. Its full of fucked up problems up in my head. It has just started and I am already paranoid by the unknown. I worry the inevitable becomes out of hand and would destroy me. I feel like I lost my section mates, even though nothing changed. I am creating all this scenarios in my head out of fear and this scenarios invites more fear. I am scared, and I am alone. I sit around my friends and family hoping it would last but my obligations to serve the nation destroys everything. I am weak, afraid and alone. I just want someone to help but I hate being needy. I want this to end.