log12

It's been so long since I've returned to this place, I no longer feel the need to divulge on a barren avenue for my conflicting and feelings. With shanel around, I really feel whole.

I'm back here again however not because I don't want to let her know, but instead I just want to really consolidate my feelings and think thoroughly. I feel thats the best way to really tackle my uncertainty 

I am worried about my family once again.. My father isn't improving in his mental health, my mother's body is getting worse, my sis is starting to have issues with her body too and her recently fail attempt to work, mixed with school, has gave her alot of emotional baggage. 

I look around and feel pressured by the place i called home. I want to change so much but have so little. Financially and physically challenging, it gave me so much more stress, more than what I even had before i tried to start on this journey. It feels like im incompetent and as my father would call me, "impulsive and lack of determination".

I feel pinned down by the decision I made, I push and strive to be better but sometimes I overstep my abilities and commit things beyond my reach. In change, that leads to me failing cuts and those failure pins me harder. 

I avoid all of my feelings by avoiding work and home, clinging to my one love so that those that haunt me wouldn't affect me. 

Occasionally this kind of pent up emotions sips through and I get affect immensely by the slightes set back or upset.

I will face this challenges and I will not lose, I might fail here and there but it will not be my end. I am stronger than how i feel, I know it because I've seen it. Being comfortable made me weaker, and that is wrong. 

I should take this as a chance of self growth and not regression. 

I will work harder.