Log 9

What a roller-coaster this few weeks has been. I've tried so many new things, it's starting to wear me out. I knew social exhaustion was a thing but this was a new low. I guess committing myself with my family's finance didn't help.

I kinda wish someone would be there to pamper me. I wish someone would be there to tell me that "Everything would be fine" and that they are always there for me. Kinda cheesy but man that's like something I need. I know I am stressed, once again at problems that has yet to even materialise.

I thought doing exciting things would relieve them but it didn't.

There was a void that still stuck around after I swore I've moved on from. It's affecting me emotionally and I need a solution. I am tired, not physically but emotionally. Tired.

Log 8

You know how sometimes you play a rpg game and you have to decide whether to choose
A. "Tell me the truth" or
B. * Keeps quiet *
And you would just hit A cuz why would you want your character to act like a retard, right?

Same.

Log 7

Trying to keep up this "logs" to keep my mental state in a healthier place. I am currently going through a withdrawal of sorts. Memories of our friendship in conjunction with my adventurous trip down memory lane, as I go through the photos i've got in my phone.

It's funny how most of them doesn't even have you in them, yet the memories of those engagements still lingers around. Creepy how stuff like this works.

It's been just over 4 months since I've made the decision that would leave me in the state that I'm in today. I wonder if I would actually still feel this way if I could've found someone that was able to replace you.

Replace how you love to destroy me in our little disagreements.

Replace how we used to talk about the most random of things.

Replace the fact that you were my best of the best friend that knew me more than my family.

Replace how you probably upset me more often than you would believe.

Replace how I've upsetted you more than I know.

Replace a part of me.

Thank you for staying happy, I might not pursue our friendship anymore but if anything I am sure no one can replace you.

It's like you said, "people never appreciate the things they have, only when people leave and ignore them will they understand and apologise, but they never learn.
You are always like this, and i hate that about you." something along the line..

Log 6

I knew being socially awkward was a problem I have with people I'm not close with. It's something I'm actively aware.

I've often avoided conversations due to this, I would avoid acquaintances, be it from work or school. I've also avoided shops that require me to converse with others.

However, there are days where my confidence sky rockets, either due to a spike in testosterone or smth scientific Idk.
I also overcome this when I am with friends. It's a very unfortunate but interesting situation.

29th May 2019, I was told that I am very awkward person to be with. It's different when someone tells you in the face.

I've never felt more disappointed in myself before. It's time to make a change.

Confident me confidence in me.

Log 5

Mental: Currently experiencing certain levels of depression, in conjuction with exhaustion from a long day.

Physical: Shoulder injury hasn't improve for months. Recently, I have a lower tolerence to ambient heat and spicy food, far lower than my usual capabilities.
My presumptions are due to increased level of stress which results in a hormonal imbalance which kicks in the change in my body. Sweating alot more than usual. Will look into my diet.

Emotion: Super temperamental recently, disgusting levels where I would do something and be surprised after.
Having problems to move on. Having dreams about you doesn't help with the condition. I experienced on occasions, an immediate drop of joy upon thoughts of you. It feels like I suddenly have a void, physically in my chest. Interesting experience nonetheless.

Financial: I am going jb for a day with my buddies. I'm not sayin it but no one would believe how much excitement i have flr this trip. I probably wont have savings enuff to survive Jul and Aug. That is going to be a problem.

Log 4

10 Jan 19, I snapped. For the first time in my life, i attempted to strangle a man by the neck. Every second leading up to it was in slow motion, I saw my hands move towards him without processing it.

As much as my lack of anger management goes, this is a new low.

I've let my day life, affect me at home.

I swallowed each and every confidence destroying remark and sat between two conflicting commands, struggling to find balance as I stand on a piece of thread.

I became so lost within the facade I forced myself into that I start to lose track of time, life and health.

My lunch went from 30 mins to 15min till eventually i ate in office and worked as I ate.

I've struggled so hard to make everything work, in exchange of a slight possibility of success,  I exhausted myself.

Just when I hope people appreciate my work, I was stabbed in the back.

For his pride and ego, I was expended. Shove into the flame of an open furnace I never knew and saw.

It destroyed me internally.

I went the extra mile to create this product, all she had to do was present it and get the needed additional information to close the job. But i guess if it doesn't hurt her, it isnt her responsibility.

An apology in exchange for my mental turmoil that eventually brought me to the state I'm in today.

I couldn't find a justification for the days I've stayed back for, the hours i was lectured for, the times I skipped breakfast and lunch, the times I balanced everything as I struggle with my mental health.

I've hurt my parents emotionally and physically.

What am I even doing all this for?

I am struggling financially, I have a insane and sick father, and a crippled mother who works 99% of her time awake.

Why am I struggling to keep the bowls of officers who claims such a fortune, officers who are relentless when it comes to protecting themselves.

I have my aspirations too.

Why must my aspiration be expended because of others..

I want my life.

I've always thought that people who struggle mentally are just narrow minded growing up.

"why cant they find a reason to live?" I would say to myself each time I hear about someone commiting suicide.

I didn't gave them the respect nor did I understood their thought until i stepped into their shoes.

I love my life, i love my family.

Today, I wanted to end my life and I wanted to end my family.

I was at my lowest. The possibilities of me ending my life went through my head. I've never step into this nightmare.

I broke down. I was englufed with emotions, pity, sadness, anger, hopelessness.. fear..

I wasn't ready, never was. My mother didn't suffer so much for me to choose the easy way out.

My father before his fall, did all he could to make ends meet.

I was selfish. I couldn't do it.

I was so mixed up, I don't want to go down living a life where i struggle to nothing but make ends meet. I want to succeed I want to live my life to the fullest.

I can't even let my mom go to surgery, who am I bluffing to say that I would prosper.

I drew the short straw in life.

I am so broken.

Log 3

心里感觉好空调。为什么我失去了那种满足感。我就这样每一天过去。。仿佛是在沙漏里地沙子一样，与时间流失。