log 13

I don't know what has gotten into me. I knew I was always needy, it was evident even in my friendships, but i thought i would be better in this relationship. I love her so much, but the moment came I just couldn't manage everything that's going on. I wanna be there physically with her and I can't, i really didn't know anything to say that I was confident it wouldn't hurt her. I just want to hug you and be silent with you, this way i know i can show you i love you without hurting you.

You're in so much discomfort and pressure but i couldnt serve to be your relief. Yet here I am being your reason to break down. 

I'm a terrible person.. Hearing you cry broke my heart.. I wanna die.. 

I miss you so much 

log12

It's been so long since I've returned to this place, I no longer feel the need to divulge on a barren avenue for my conflicting and feelings. With shanel around, I really feel whole.

I'm back here again however not because I don't want to let her know, but instead I just want to really consolidate my feelings and think thoroughly. I feel thats the best way to really tackle my uncertainty 

I am worried about my family once again.. My father isn't improving in his mental health, my mother's body is getting worse, my sis is starting to have issues with her body too and her recently fail attempt to work, mixed with school, has gave her alot of emotional baggage. 

I look around and feel pressured by the place i called home. I want to change so much but have so little. Financially and physically challenging, it gave me so much more stress, more than what I even had before i tried to start on this journey. It feels like im incompetent and as my father would call me, "impulsive and lack of determination".

I feel pinned down by the decision I made, I push and strive to be better but sometimes I overstep my abilities and commit things beyond my reach. In change, that leads to me failing cuts and those failure pins me harder. 

I avoid all of my feelings by avoiding work and home, clinging to my one love so that those that haunt me wouldn't affect me. 

Occasionally this kind of pent up emotions sips through and I get affect immensely by the slightes set back or upset.

I will face this challenges and I will not lose, I might fail here and there but it will not be my end. I am stronger than how i feel, I know it because I've seen it. Being comfortable made me weaker, and that is wrong. 

I should take this as a chance of self growth and not regression. 

I will work harder. 

5th Date

I never thought losing someone I love felt like this. I was full of shit, I was so worried I nearly cried when you came back to me. Every word I said to you, while you were slowly regaining your composure after losing conciousness, I meant it. 

I was shaking from the fear of losing you. I felt so much regret in that moment. 

Stuff I wished I could've done for you and said to you, that I didn't because it wasn't at right time. Fuck that, I'm never gonna hold things back, I never want to lose you again.

I love you. Please get better. 

log 11

I guess I was overwhelmed by my emotions but I bottled it up too long. Up and Inside Out always does it charm. I feel better now.

1st Date

I met you at the corner of the MRT station, I was nervous but readier than ever. The moment you stepped up to me and greeted me with, what I'm assuming is, joy and the same nervousness that I've felt.

I thought I was ready to greet you with all my confidence, but you stole my breath away. We locked eyes and you looked away hurriedly , shy as ever.
I knew I had to step up from this, we can't both be so shy. , I was so glad you made it.

We ended up walking around the mall thinking of what to eat for dinner, and decided on the Monstercurry that we saw prior. You looked so innocent, staring into the glass window. I thought you must be hungry, so I tried getting the menu to you as soon as possible, there was no time to waste.

The meal was short but we were still so nervous, we couldn't converse well. As we moved on to walk around, I got more comfortable to joke around. That was when I first made you laugh with my joke, well at least face to face.

We sat around on the bench between the H2HUB watch shop and that "Bangkok no.1 chicken rice" banner, I spoke about my past as promised. It was there that I've asked for your hand, it was also there that I was rejected, but not for long. I guess you saw through how I felt and gave me a second chance, I was so glad you did so. Shortly after, we decided to move on to end the day.

It was half past ten, I promised to bring you home by eleven, so we left. I felt like we had so much more to do together, so I decided to send you home. We held hands leading up to the MRT Cabin, and it felt like I was alone with you in that moment. It was magical.

Leading up to your house, I decided to let us talk more. We sat at a bus stop, initially thinking it would be a short few minutes before I bid farewell. But it was there where we really fell solidarity, away from other people, and we started to talk more. We got more comfortable, and that was where we had our first hug. I remember being so nervous, I didn't want to overstay my welcome, so I pushed you away shortly after.

Many more moments such as this happened as we got more comfortable with each other.

We decided to leave after a few hours of talking. You asked for one last hug for the night, I was so happy you asked that I went all out with that hug.

We met Mr Frog, although he wasn't too keen to see us.

After reaching your void deck, we went our separate ways but we never stop texting.

That date was marvelous to me, I don't think I can beat that in any way.

This new year, I started being happy again. Thank you :)

Log 10

You know how stress just takes away all sense of happiness no matter what you do?

I tried doing everything, spending money on myself, family and friends. Trying new stuff talking to new ppl. Sitting alone, sleeping for hours. Nothing can bring me back to that amount of joy i had.

Im miserable and stress.

I want to go back to weeks ago.

Log 9

A little late, 3 days into my day job. First few days was pretty smooth going but kept hitting myself with irrational anxiety. I finally settle down on day 3 and get whack in the face with the team breaking down on the upcoming system to regulate performance.
Needless to say it stresses me when I sit at the bottom of the barrell.
I come home and the first thing I hear is my parent remarking on the expenses. I get it, he is hinting me to fork out my pay but as much as I want to I won't be paid full anytime soon and I am struggling to survive these few weeks with just $150 dollars.

I am more exhausted with the responsibilties than I thought. I am losing sleep, either not falling asleep after hours of tossing or waking up in the middle of the night and stay awake till day break. Hope this gets better.